Tuesday, 26 January 2010

Male domestic violence


This may be my last post but I cannot confirm this at this time.

It is quite strange being empowered by the Queen to use various powers and procedures to achieve your role but at the same time enduring situations at home which you would not allow whilst on duty.

For those who have not guessed I am currently going slowly through the process of divorce. I have 2 daughters who I see what could best be described as infrequently but do get to speak to twice a week (they are approx 140 miles away now).

It is strange that you all too often get sent to deal with domestic disputes that involve...... well really nothing at all. He drank x amount and told me to do this or just the general situation where the 2 mutants you are dealing with lack the social skills to be able to deal with the everyday demands of normal life. Strange that you then go home to an environment where you find yourself in a similar position. I am not calling myself or my ex wife a mutant by the way.

How many times have you stood on the front doorstep with the key in your hand wondering what was going to greet you when you opened the door? All this after a 10 hour shift dealing with the great unwashed and their problems.
It is strange to walk into the house to find that the person you rely upon most heavily has done nothing but spend all her time on face book/bebo/twitter or any other communal website that you can think of. Especially when you learn that this person has been planning to leave you for some time and actually set up a date with someone on their Open University course in Blackpool. Someone has dared to post an unpleasant comment about your partner and all of a sudden you come home from a world of shit into another world of shit. In this job there is a popular saying which goes something along the lines of if home life is shit but work is good you can cope. If home life is good and work is shit you can cope as well. If both are shit well you are well F$*cked. It is true.

I will make no pretence of being perfect. I am probably the furthest example from perfect you could find. I used to drink too much (strangely enough don’t anymore), I smoke and used to long for time on my own without wife/kids demanding attention at midnight hence late night or early morning comments on various blogs.
I won’t go into the details about my relationship other than the walls bear numerous scars from temper fuelled outbursts from my former wife, I carry scars that would have (if officially crimed) led to her being placed through the courts. Coming home from nights at 7 A.M and having to wait up to get the kids to school or fed so that my “wife” could have a lie in (even when the kids had been asleep since 8 pm).....please. At the end of the day my oldest daughter (9) now has a secret message that allows me to tell if it is her or my ex who is texting me. No doubt that will go out the window shortly.
It is strange how people’s perspectives and attitudes change. Despite admitting that she was an abuser, now that she has moved away she now deems it necessary to find an alternative reason for the breakdown of our marriage. As per a late comment on my last post I am now accused of being adulterous. I wish, I am 40, fat and balding.
At the end of the day as a Police Officer I am willing to admit that I was subjected to domestic violence. I put up with it because I loved the person but one Thursday morning at about 8 A.M. whilst being attacked I nearly struck back. That was when I realised the end had come. No-one should be in an abusive relationship whether you are male or female. To be told after 13 years of marriage and 15 years of being with this person that they have been looking for an excuse to leave you is totally devastating. I would like to make it clear that the behaviour has totally turned off any feelings that I had and all I feel now is scorn and dislike.

The abusers always make up lies to cover their actions.

If this applies to any other male/female accept that it can happen to you. You allow it to because of love but is it really what you want?

This post is totally anonymous I hope, if it comes back to bite me in a court I will stand my ground. Suffice to say that I am no longer on the ground whilst in work.

All in all I will say that happiness after everything does come from the most unexpected places. Thank you, you know who you are.

Regards.

57 comments:

BenefitScroungingScum said...

What a brave post. I'm really sorry to hear what's being going on, but well done for speaking out.
If you need a mate, email me. BG

Anonymous said...

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.

When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned. Since you were precious in my sight, you have been honored and I have loved you.

Isaiah 43:2, 4

MTG said...

My best regards to you.

Anonymous said...

Oh heck C.C, there is no shame, nor perceived weakness, in allowing your own truth to finally come out into the open, about an abusive wife. My heart really does go out to you, in bucket loads.
The old joke about "hen-pecked" husbands is no joke at all, in reality.

As far back as the 1980's the police didn't take it seriously if a male siad that his wife was attacking him and making his life hell. I know this from experience, when I got to know a bloke who was in fear of his life, because his wife was violent, seriously violent, and had form for it. I gave him help and "sanctuary", to save his life, because she really would have killed him, if he had stayed with her for much longer.

He was a psychological mess.
She had got him into using speed, which I helped him to get off, but he just turned to alcohol instead.
We became close friends, but the damage that had been done to him, in his childhood and by being "hooked and trapped" by an abusive partner, spoilt everything.
She had the audacity to threaten and attack me, then blame me for "stealing" her husband, who she then divorced, blaming myself in court documents.

So, shit happens, as the saying goes. But what I do know is, that right now it may feel like the end of your world, because of the loss of love you feel, and missing your kids. But time REALLY does heal the hurt you feel now. And besides which, fat 40 and bald, who cares, it is the person inside that counts for more than anything, including how fat your wallet is.

Odds on that there is someone who is as equally "imperfect", but who is right for you, just waiting to find you. A bit like a needle in a haystack maybe, but do have faith C.C.

All good things come to those who wait. Patience is a virtue.

Bluebird

Sierra Charlie said...

I don't know what to say apart from to say something to let you know that you have friends here. If you need to let off steam or just to say hello sierra charlie sierra charlie @ googlemail com

MPS Probbie said...

As others have said - a brave topic to bring up; your admission and honesty speak highly of you.

Hang on in there, and keep your chin up as best you can.

Anonymous said...

At least you weren't beaten black and blue and knocked unconscious after seven years of abuse, and when the police came a jumped up little idiot decided to arrest *you* the second you regained consciousness, and let your abuser go on his way and then, realising their mistake, the police started making up false allegations against you....can you imagine how that would feel...?

Anonymous said...

Life breaks us all yet many become stronger at the broken places.

Hogday said...

As a supervisor I used to think that if I tried really, really hard, I could empathise with those in my charge who were going through this sort of shit. Then it happened to me and I realised just how far out of the ballpark my perceived `understanding` was - way out of the ball park.

Anonymous said...

Your courage in speaking out awes me, CC.
I have a couple of thoughts on the subject - firstly (and perhaps most importantly), remember: This too shall pass.
Sometimes, its hard to keep that in mind when you feel as if you are drowning in a mire - but it is true none the less.
Secondly, as someone who has also "Bin there" - remember that people who throw mud rarely if ever manage it without getting covered themselves. My ex thought to justify his infidelity by claiming he did it in "self defence" after my supposed string of affairs. Suffice to say no-one who really knew me believed a word of it and even those who didn't slowly came to realise the truth.
It was uncomfortable for a while, but slowly the realisation dawned that those who were important in my life never doubted me and those who doubted me weren't that important :-)
Its been five years now and I can honestly say that I am much happier, have more personal freedom, enjoy life and am generally more content than I would ever have been had I stayed in a destructive relationship.
Best of all, I no longer hesitate outside my front door, dreading the moment of entry - my home is once again my sanctuary, my peace and tranquillity, my restorative and my refuge from the world.
Keep your chin up, know that there are people out here who care and remember to repeat to yourself daily:

This too shall pass.

Terri xx

Anonymous said...

A brave and honest post... and deeply moving.

Thank you.

Annette said...

I am so sorry that you are going through this bad time and from what you say you haven't been happy for a while now.
In time you will see better days and please believe me when I say that I and many others will be thinking of you and hoping that things will get better for you.
If you wish to email me, please do.
I will be thinking of you.

George Saint said...

Sobering, I wish you the best of luck

Anonymous said...

No-one should go through what you have been through. When you are in this situation, it is so difficult to see a way out. Especially when there are children involved.

Domestic Violence is horrible in any case, and my heart really does go out to you for putting up with this for what i'm getting was a long time.

I'm sure you feel you can take some of the blame for the relationship breakdown, but no one should suffer violence not for any reason. Things may seem difficult for you and yes divorce is a slow process but no matter what the other party denies or tries to say is the reason, the truth always comes out no matter how much time passes. Keep remembering that.

I really hope things work out for you, you took the brave step to get out of the situation, which a lot of other people do not feel they can do (unfortunately).

Just remember not everyone can be honest with people, or themselves. It's a shame that people feel the need to deny who or what they've become in order to save face with their 'friends'.

Like the saying goes 'when you want to know the truth about someone that someone is probably the last person you should ask' - no one who inflicts violence on someone admits to it. Just another one of their lovely traits, an abuser and a liar to cover their actions.

I really hope things work out for you and you find the happiness you are searching for, everyone deserves to be happy and no one has the right to make you feel otherwise.

Take care

Anonymous said...

Will miss your blog

Take care

Brwnie

Rach said...

CC I am so very sorry to hear this and also very proud of you coming out and talking about it.

Please keep in touch if you decide to close down, you have my email addy..xxx

Anonymous said...

Often times the clearing away of what is not especially good, nor helpful, nor pleasant, brings great personal turmoil and upheaval. And out of what can seem to be the 'ruins' of ones life, a brighter and far better future can unfold, like the sunshine peeking through the clouds after a fierce storm. Smiles and well being reign.

The pleasure it is often said, is in the 'giving' rather than the receiving. My happiness has been in knowing, that after everything, that you are here..... 2 'o' cups!
Thank you, C.C

Anonymous said...

Anon @ 07.31 - 28th Jan 2010 said... Like the saying goes, 'If you want to know the truth about someone, that someone is probably the last person you should ask'.

I really do have to disagree with that statement. Where did that journalistic 'Alice in Wonderland' NONSENSE come from? It shows a complete lack of respect for an individual and implies that what they say about their own life, or experiences isn't to be believed.
What an insult. It really is a backhanded slap across the face to someone, to imply that other people's opinions of them are more important than their own words about themself.

We have a legal and medical system of so called 'experts' who operate by this very nonsense, and a far too powerful media, all of whom manage to sway public opinion in the way they want, to achieve their own agenda. I have been a victim of this sort of nonsense, none of which was the real story.
And it really is quite dangerous in that it can 'lead' the masses in the wrong direction.

NO, Anon, on the 28th Jan 2010, you are very much mistaken in that brainwashed belief. If you want to find out the truth about someone, observe them discretely and consider how they treat others. What are they best known for and what good have they done to help others, or humanity in general. That will give you a glimps of the person, a 'snapshot' of the man, or woman, but certainly not the whole picture.

If you were to ask the people whom C.C has arrested and jailed, or curtailed, well, what do think their opinion of him might be?

If you asked my now grown up ADHD argumentative daughter, what I am really like, and with whom I had many a 'battle' to ensure she learned the difference between right and wrong; no doubt her opinion would not be wholly complimentary, because she STILL has 'issues'.

If you had asked the paedophile cop who abused me as a child, upon whom I well and truly blew the whistle; What's she like, what's the story? He would have said....
"Well, now you ask, she's a very naughty girl, a fantasist and she's making it all up".

If you want the truth about something, or someone Anon, one really DOES need to be very careful who one asks, and believes.
This ask everyone but the person concerned Alice in Wonderland system of 'investigation and reporting', can be the direct cause of confusion, misdirection and serious injustices. MANY CASES OF!

Was it not Shakespeare who said 'All the World's a Stage and all the men and women are just players', or words to that effect.
We all play different roles in our lives. We are all multi faceted characters and react differently with the personalities of others, or depending upon the situation we find ourselves in, and having to deal with. Only a life long loyal and true friend is qualified to give a valid opinion or view about someone else, and even then they may not know everything that there is to know about that person. They will know only what someone has chosen to share with them.

Stressed Out Cop said...

CC

A really honest posting my friend but a chapter closes and your situation is what it is.

The comments show that people understand ..

This poem says it all ... and if you can think through what it means .. you CAN be happy

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Rumi

e-mail me if you need to and maybe we'll have a beer later in the year. I'm around your way in November. Positive vibes sent via blogosphere to you.

SOC

adrian said...

I've been through this, they tried for two yrs to get me out the house.
I was told they would use fals eaccusations and violence which she did.
I was told, do not respond likewise, stay in the house, it is your house.
Weventually I ended up with shared residency.
Unbeknown by most, even Judges, the childrens act was designed to give both parents shared residency.

Families need Fathers


If you want to know why the state is so keen to fracture families with feminism and secret family courts its called Frankfurt or Cultural Marxism.

Cultural Marxism

More on Cultural Subversion

Yes, it's deliberate,
good luck.

Ths Solicitors are scum, they will create problems between you, both sets of solicitors because more arguments means more fees, its as simple as that, and many judges also have Law Practices remember.

I don't know your situation but if at anyway possible do it between yourselves.
you can go to court with a mutually agreed settlement.

Do not agree to anything that you are not happy with.
bit take advice from FNF.

I ended up representing myself, cost me nothing.


TPUC

adrian said...

Angry Harry

Dave said...

I too have been there. Deep breath as I drive into the cul-de-sac of an evening, not knowing whether she'll be up or down but bracing myself for the latter.

It's been 8 months since she was arrested for assault, bailed not to come near the house, and promptly moved in with the guy she'd been facebooking for a year.

I'm still in the middle of family court hell atm, all I want is to see my little boy but that's the last thing his mum will allow, for reasons known only to herself. My crime? Working hard to support my family, never rising to the abuse or threats, taking it all because it was easier than instigating a break-up.

You're doing the right thing CC, and lots of your friends are here to support you.

Dave (long time lurker, first time poster).

Anonymous said...

Just popped by to say.....that the roller-coaster ride you have been on will not last forever. So hold on tight to every good feeling and positive, hopeful thoughts you have. Poo can be washed away!!!

We have all been through some rotten and testing times in the past, but that cannot go on forever. You know who cares about you, and that is all that really matters, at the end of the day.....

And today it is a new moon, which is a good time to make your wishes for happier times ahead. It is also the Oriental Year of the Tiger..... Let luck and love shine upon you Constable xxx

Grumpy Old Ken said...

Have hesitated to write. Didn't really know what to say, very unusual for me. Good luck, fella, things will move on for the better. It can only get better but not overnight. hang on in there, you deserve better and it will come.

Pete said...

you were not man enough to keep your woman.

You are also too stupid an incapable to progress in your "chosen" profession, Mr Agrgos Security guard.

Any wonder why she left you?

You self-pitying exscuse for a man.

Pete said...

you were not man enough to keep your woman.

You are also too stupid an incapable to progress in your "chosen" profession, Mr Agrgos Security guard.

Any wonder why she left you?

You self-pitying exscuse for a man.

Constable Confused.com said...

Thanks Pete,

your comments have been noted and filed along with all the other useless stuff that won't actually affect my life.

Take care, does your medication need adjusting at the moment or did the lady on you bus home from "work" shout at you?

Just remember to eat your tea and wipe your bottom properly before bed and you won't be shouted at by your Mum.

Regards.

Pete said...

.... fat and balding and chosing to spend the early hours of the mnorning hunched over a computer.

Instead of being in bed with his woman.

Which why of course she isn't his woman any more.

What does the next few years hold for you, confused? ... except for descending into waiting for retirment and paying women for sex.

You joke.

Anonymous said...

To Pete,
Wow you really don't have a clue.
It's people like you who make me laugh. You sound SO bitter and twisted. I'm assuming you are the one who doesn't have much in his life to smile about..... correct. Suggest you get out a bit more then you won't feel the need to write silly comments for people to laugh at.

Pete said...

Constable Nebbish - the man who could not keep his woman.

The big hairy copper (thin skinny runt?) who got beaten up by his missus.

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Pricelss.

Anonymous said...

Pete you really need to go and get some friends. You are quite pathetic, I almost feel sorry for you. Almost.

Pete said...

Save your pity for those who need it..... like the author of this blog, old Constable Coward himself.

Blue Eyes said...

I wish I was half the man that CC.com is. It took real balls to write this post, and it takes real backbone to admit the reality of a difficult situation. Admitting that there is a problem is halfway to finding a solution.

Jaques said...

....still having that "problem" with the choirboys, "BlueEyes"?


Fancy writing about it? Inviting others to share your pain?

And the chourboys' pain too, of course.

Anonymous said...

Oh dear 'Pete', such a nasty streak in you. I find it hard to believe that any decent and sane male would kick another guy when he's at a low point in his life.
Perhaps 'Pete' is really a screwed up woman just having a right old bitch-fest at men in authority.

C.C aint no coward honey! It takes a strong man to NOT strike back at a deranged female who is attacking him, for whatever reason, justified or not. Go get some HRT and/or therapy 'Pete', before you do something totally stupid, or even dangerous.

Oops, silly me, I just realised....too damn late for that!

Chair of the C.C Appreciation Society

Anonymous said...

Old CC....

.... old Constable Coward.


Fat, blading. Gutless.

And stupid.gso

Evolution has certainly finished with him ! :)

Pete said...

Anon @01:47

Constable coward hasn't got any "authority"

He is a fucking joke of a "man"

Anonymous said...

You are not denying that you are in fact a female then 'Pete'?

You appear to be very quick to condemn C.C with your put downs and snipes, when I am pretty sure that you know very little about him, what he has been through, and more to the point, what good he has done for society. A story that has not been told yet. You, 'Pete' are in danger of making a fool of yourself because of that bee in your bonnet. Let it go please, for your sake as well as for others who have a job to do.

Chair of the C.C Appreciation Society

Rach said...

Seconded by the Secretary of the CC Appreciation Society!!!

Anonymous said...

Yeah, too right Rach! I'll bet that C.C doesn't find 'courage' in a can of any sort. I would guess that he's strong enough to deal with whatever problems life deals him, and that he wouldn't get dragged down into a hole by any Stella 6 pack! C.C a 'coward'???
MY ARSE!!! You show 'em C.C.
[Er..No, don't show them MY arse C.C!]

Pete said...

Anon ... or Constable Coward, the author of this blog, which is your real identity, of course.


You are not a man.

You are weak, effeminate and ineffectual.

Rach said...

What is your issue with a crime which is committed up and down the country daily??

What should CC have done? Fought back!!! Yes very brave indeed.

You obviously have very strong views about this subject, please feel free to enlighten us all on why you feel you have to constantly berate a vunerable man.

I look forward to your informed and considered response!!!

Constable Confused.com said...

Wasn't me Pete,

I will reply to you as me, of course I, like you, have to say it from behind a keyboard.

The difference being though people can read about me if they want to. Can't imagine many people would be too partial to the ramblings that would emanate from you so best you continue hiding behind your name and keyboard.

Regards.

Rach said...

Hey CC thinking of you..xx

Constable Confused.com said...

Hello Rach,

My "Dr.Moriarty" appears to be following me.
Certain over the counter remedies seem to keep him away for a while but I guess I need to buy some more.

http://constableconfused.blogspot.com/2009/07/stds-of-blogging-world.html

refers.

Take care, regards.

Anonymous said...

OI PETE.... You are very quick to attack C.C again, with your wild assumptions. You mistakenly thought that the 'anon' post @1.11 on the 2nd March was C.C.

Well 'Petty Pete' you were wrong, again. That was me trying to make C.C smile, or even laugh, because Lord knows he sure sure needs one, with what he's had to contend with.

In my rather long experience of life, I have noticed, that it is usually those who are ignorant of the facts of the matter, who point unkind fingers of accusation and insult at people who are in fact unsung heroes, or heroines.

Pete, honey, if you do not let that bee in your frilly bonnet go, soon, it really will drive you mad.

I'm sure that there are more deserving targets for your wrath, than C.C, if you consider that suggestion with some honesty and realism. Like criminals who hurt people, and corrupt politicians who REALLY don't give a poo about people and this country.

If you want to provoke a stonking argument, why don't you go and insult the cops on Inspector Gadget's blog? They'll fight back, no problem...... That's what you want, isn't it? Or you could try your local town centre on a Friday night. I'm sure someone would oblige, even with an arrest if it's police 'attention' you're seeking.

Chair of the C.C Appreciation Society

Anonymous said...

Oh Pete. Boring.

You really do have many many issues you poor unfortunate soul.

I'm guessing it's pure jealousy on your behalf that C.C had the balls to be this honest especially with himself and walk away with his head held high. I'm assuming you are not one of these people.

You are quite obviously one of these lonely souls with nothing better to do. Although I think you might like the attention you are getting here? Does it make you feel like you have some friends, bless.

C.C good on you! Not many people like you in this world. Well done for taking that brave step and not retaliating in the same way as you were treated.

Hope it all works out for you, I have no doubt that it will

Pete said...

Constable Coward ... it really is no wonder that your wife left you.

Buddy, you are NOT a man.

Now what do you do?

You do not control any part of your environment. Except on-line.

Your kids, if they are lucky, will take after their mother's side of the family and thus dispaly some backbone, courage ....and intelligence.

However, if they follow your side, the shallow end of the gene pool...... well I suppose the Police will still have standards low enough to accept them by the time they "grow up" eh?

Though, more likely, if they follow your innate talents of intelligence and moral strength ... then a life time career of Mars Bar testing awaits, no doubt.

You are a disgrace, and your contributions to the gene pool have had a negative effect on the average human intelligence and other qualities.

Why not just kill yourself?

Anonymous said...

Now then 'Pete' what you have written above is just plain nasty.

You obviously have very little understanding of spiritual laws.
It is much better to be kind to people, than to be cruel.

I would point out to you 'Pete', if in fact you are the same poster who has been insulting C.C for some time, [and not just someone else who has jumped upon the bandwagon].....that what you are doing is cyber bullying and VILE.

Why don't you go and get a personality transplant, and do YOUR family a favour.

Take no notice C.C, of this moronic twit 'Pete'. You are a better person than he is, by far.

Bluebird

Suzanne said...

That picture with the woman in the apron, in the kitchen, with a frying pan is such an archaic sexual stereotype.

You deserved to be battered, you sexist!

You phallo-centric of supressed sexuality, oppressor of women.

You sir are as bad as Hitler.

Anonymous said...

I do believe that Suzanne is flirting with you Constable!

Suzane said...

He's a sexist pig who deserves everything he got! And more!

Anonymous said...

Is it just a chance of fate that Suzanne/Suzane is as poor at spelling as Pete is?

Constable Confused.com said...

Don't you just love IP addresses and people who know what to do with them?

Pete and Suzanne, you are not blocked but...... one of you especially should think more. Nice admission by the way.

Regards.

Anonymous said...

To 'Suzanne/Suzane'

Oops

Anonymous said...

Phallo-centric?????

Sounds to me like someone is doing some sort of course and see themselves above their station.

Do you know this person by any chance C.C.?

Admission you say. Would this person be your ex wife?

Anonymous said...

C.C Sexist 'pig' Suzanne?

A feminist term I believe, for men who exploit women for sex and household duties, in the mistaken belief that women are inferior to men, and only good for keeping house, child care and bed warming!
Whilst he brings home the bacon, of course!

Unless you ARE in fact C.C's ex-wife, I don't see how you can judge him so harshly and make such critical comments about him.

Personally, I never got into the feminist 'rant' that ALL men are 'sexist pigs'. Some can be arrogant, but that's because they feel threatened in some way. Some do believe that they are better than women because they are physically stronger, usually.

I'll take a guess that C.C's marriage broke down, because his head and his time was focused on his job, and bringing home the 'bacon'. C.C states that he's not perfect, but there are far worse men out there than he. Criminals and wife beaters Suzanne, who don't work hard for their family and society.

Chair of the C.C Appreciation Society